"What are we gonna get for 'er indoors?"

(Bow bells)

Terry: Oh, listen to that, Arthur. That's your actual Bow Bells.

(In the Bleak mid-winter)

Arthur: Yeah. Listen to that. It's a disgrace on the public thoroughfare. they ought to be reported to the noise abasement society.

Gawd sake, Arthur. It's Christmas, innit, a time of good will.

A time to make you ill, you mean! We've only just finshed with "One pound fifty for the Guy mister." Used to be a penny in my day.

Yeah, but Queen Victoria's dead, in't she.

And now I suppose it's going to be GBH of the ear'oles from carol singers.

(music starts)

Oh come on Arthur. Cheer up will ya? Gordon Bennett!

It's tough and it's lonely in top management.

Oh don't give me no earache, you don't even pay your rent!

I've got a lock-up with no lock on and it's snowing outside.

If you don't get 'er a present soon, there'll be nowhere to hide.

I've got a lovely furry coat.
I could tell 'er it's mink.

Nah, she'll suss it's skunk,
'cos it don't half pen and ink.

It doesn't

It does.

Who'd know

I would. Oh! Here's a turn-up for the books!

What?

Hold on, here comes Chisholm.

He's giving me a funny look.
What now?

Sing - He don't know one carol from another!

#What'll I get for Christmas for 'er indoors?

I dunno, it's your problem, innit!
#Don't tell me your problems, 'cos this one's yours.
Tried shopping?

That's typical. There's no respect.

You make me laugh, you do.

No, Terrence, please...

Just leave me out

After all I've done for you!

Both: #What're we gonna get for 'er indoors?

Whatever I get, it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg, innit?

A typewriter with ribbons that was worn by Lady Di?

A lovely piece of steak for when she whacks you in the eye!

She wouldn't

She would

I know 'er!

How much?

All right, I will conceed. But we're sitting here with nothing, and it's nearly Christmas eve!
'Ere what about that perfume that I purchased down the Winch?

You spilt it on the counter, and it blistered every inch!

Oh yes. We could bottle it and call it "The Elixir of Life"

You give it to 'er my son, and next year you'll need a new wife!

Yeah, that wouldn't be very nice, would it?

It's not for me to comment.

#What'll I get for Christmas for 'er indoors?

Arthur,
#Don't give me your problems, 'cos this one's yours.
I mean, I've got my own problems, ain't it?

That's typical. There's no respect.

You make me laugh, you do.

Oh, Terrence, please...

Just leave me out

After all I've done for you!

#What're we gonna get for 'er indoors?

Not a lot.

It's not funny, Terrence.

It makes me laugh.

I've got some lovely Hong Kong made genuine Paris knickers.

She can wear them with that fourteen pairs of left foot kickers!

Wives St. Lawrence, channel five, I've been right through the card.
Eh, what about that Cartier watch?

No, fell off the lorry too hard.

An iron?

Leave off!

Saucepan?

Arthur!

I'll throw 'er a tupperware party.

That's like getting a telly that only shows Russell Harty.

Oh Terrence, this is serious, we've got to do something soon!

(music stops)

Why don't you just... not go home?

Eh?

She'd be over the moon.

That is very wounding, Terrence.
(music restarts)
Wounding and ungrateful, that's what you are.

Yeah, well, I'm entitled to be the money you don't pay me, eh?

#What're we gonna get for 'er indoors?

Money?

Terrence!
That's typical. There's no respect.

You make me laugh, you do.

No, Terrence, please...

Just leave me out

After all I've done for you!

#What're we gonna get for 'er indoors?

I wish it was January the second.

#What're we gonna get for 'er indoors?

Ere, ain't that carol singing?

Yeah, I wish she'd stop. Come on, I need you. I've got a cotchell of army surplus Christmas Puddings going shifty.

Christmas!